


The Loudest Silence

by VioletsFinch



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Deaf, Deaf Character, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:07:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 9,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24989527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VioletsFinch/pseuds/VioletsFinch
Summary: JJ Maybank knew his father's harsh words and thrown fists weren't normal. Because of this, he kept his home life hidden in the shadows, untouched by his friends. That is, until John B. Routledge moved to town.John B. is deaf. As the two continue to spend time together, JJ begins to speak his secrets aloud each time John B turns away, knowing they will fall on deaf ears.But how long can JJ bare his heart without being heard?
Relationships: JJ & John B. Routledge, JJ (Outer Banks) & John B. Routledge
Comments: 34
Kudos: 143





	1. Chapter 1

The school bell rang and JJ swore it made his head do the same. He pressed his fingers to his temple and closed his eyes. It was only first period and he already felt as if he was hit by a bus. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration. But still, his father screaming at him all night did not do him well. Mrs. Vera started talking about Of Monsters and Men when the door slammed open. Every student turned to the sound, but Mrs. Vera continued to face the board, writing out a plot chart on the board. 

A boy, tan with long and messy hair stood in the back, flustered. He was clearly new. His eyes darted around the room before landing on the one empty seat- the one next to JJ. He plopped down into the seat and slapped a worn blue notebook onto the desk. 

"Seeing as you are late, perhaps you can tell us what you believe was the main conflict of the story," Mrs. Vera sighed. Her hand hovered a bit after writing 'conflict' in big, capital letters before moving to continue the rest of the chart. The new boy sat silently. Too much time passed. Mrs. Vera's chalk snapped. "I expect to receive a response," she scolded and turned to face the class. Her eyes landed on the new boy and her face softened. "Oh, I'm sorry, John B." She spoke slower, more deliberately. "Have you read 'Of Mice and Men?'"

John B cleared his throat, but his voice still came out muffled and unsteady. "No, ma'am. I will as soon as possible." He spoke carefully, as if he was unsure of his tongue's placement. 

She waved her hand. "No need, this is the last day of this unit." She continued on with class, and the matter was dropped. 

JJ was shocked. Mrs. Vera was a strict, no-nonsense type of teacher. She was kind and clearly cared for her students, but only if they put in the effort. If he had been in that situation, she would have totally chewed him out for a lack of response whether he was a new kid or not. 

"Dude," he whispered to John B, "You got lucky." John B's eyes stayed fix on the board. "Yo, John B." Still nothing. _This guy must be a real jerk,_ JJ concluded.

At the end of class, JJ packed his bag slowly. Mrs. Vera had come up to John B's desk, and he was feeling nosy. Their school was small, so anything new that happened stirred quite an interest. 

"Was that okay? Did you understand everything?" She asked tentatively. John B nodded. 

"I think I got the gist of everything. I wasn't sure about the assignment, though. What pages did you say to read?" He asked. _Wow. First he shows up late, then he ignores her question, and how he's admitting he wasn't listening when she assigned homework?_ JJ thought. 

"Pages 30 through 45." She looked thoughtful for a moment and turned to JJ, who was obviously eavesdropping at this point. "This is JJ. JJ, next time, can you make sure that John B is understanding the assignments? I'm happy to help, of course, but I know how you kids are about spending too much time with teachers," she smiles. 

JJ was floored. "I- uh. Okay, I guess."

"Great!" She checked the clock. "You boys better get going to your next class."

JJ and John B awkwardly walked through the halls together. "So, uh... What class do you have next?" John B handed him his schedule and JJ's eyes widened. "Wow, we have a lot of classes in common. See, even our next class is together." 

John B smiled slightly, clearly a little uncomfortable. Was he unhappy that he and JJ would be in so many classes together? _He's probably a jerk,_ JJ reminded himself. 

"So how'd you get to be so on Mrs. Vera's nice side?" He asked.

"I think she feels bad for me," he said. 

"'Cause your new? I get that probably sucks, but come on, she was way nicer than she was to the last new kid at this school."

"No, um. Because I'm deaf."

"WHAT?" JJ's footsteps fell short. "How the hell do you know what I'm saying, then? No way, man."

"I can read lips. It's hard, and I don't always get all of it or get it right, but... yeah. When someone's not turned towards me, like when you were looking down at my schedule earlier, I normally can't tell what you said at all."

"So, like, you can't hear ANYTHING?"

John B pulled his hair back, revealing a hearing aid. "Well, this kind of helps me. I can hear really loud noises out of this ear when I have it on. It still sounds quiet for me, but the sound is there. The other ear is too far gone for anything, though."

JJ gaped at him as he pulled open the door to their classroom. "That's crazy."

John B shrugged. "It's not so bad."

\---

At lunch, JJ invited John B to sit with his friends. "The Pogues, if you will." He grinned. They were the first ones at the table. 

"The what?"

"Pogues." John B shook his head in confusion. He opened up the blue notebook he had been carrying earlier and handed it to JJ. 

JJ wrote it down so he would understand. His fingers brushed over page, feeling the indentations from pens and pencils of all different colors. John B was watching him nervously, but JJ couldn't help but read them. What was it like to carry around snippets of your conversations?

_'$2.95.'_

_'Left at the light, then straight for two blocks.'_

_'23.'_

_'Your phone is ringing."_

_'Sadie Jennings.'_

_'Are you disabled or something? What's wrong with you, freak?'_ JJ lingered on the last one. Could people really be that mean? But then he thought of what his own notebook may include if he had one.

' _You're a worthless piece of shit. I wish you would get the fuck out of my house like your useless mother,"_ is what JJ's would have said last night. 

"Working on homework at lunch?" Kie's voice came from behind them. "The new kid's a good influence on you. What's your name?" She asked.

"He can't hear you. He's deaf. He can read your lips, though."

She moved to sit across from them. "I'm Kie." 

Pope sat down beside her, raising an eyebrow. "I'm Pope."

"John B," John B introduced himself. He looked a little lost, though, so JJ added ' _Kie (Kiara_ )' and ' _Pope_ ' to the notebook for him. 

The rest of lunch, while he seemed to hold back a little, John B fit into their group perfectly. He was funny and made everyone feel really comfortable with him. Before they knew it, the Pogues were inviting him to hang out at Kie's tomorrow.

"My dad kind of hates all of my friends so we'll have to be really quiet, but whatever."

"I don't mind quiet, obviously," John B grinned. "But we can hang out at my place if you want. My dad's gonna be gone tomorrow so we'll have the place to ourselves."

"Sounds like a plan!"

\---

Turns out, it was not. Pope ended up staying at home to study for a chemistry test ("He's, like, super smart," JJ told John B) and Kie's dad ended up grounding her when he found out she snuck out a couple days prior. 

That left JJ and John B, sitting alone in John B's house. JJ glanced around at the photos on the walls. They were one of the only decorative features of the house. Cardboard moving boxes still littered the floors. A boy, clearly John B, grew up before his eyes in the frames. An older version of him smiled from many of the same frames. 

"Where's your mom?" JJ blurted out. 

John B looked at him funny. "She left when I was younger. Do you want a beer?"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry." 

John B turned his back to JJ to rummage through the fridge. 

JJ took a deep breath. _My mom left, too._

That's when he realized- He could tell John B that and he would never even know. 

"My mom left, too." He said aloud. The words felt strange on his tongue. He had never told anyone about this. "My dad blames me. Like, all the time."

John B turned around and handed him a beer. He walked ahead of JJ, leading him to another room.

"Sometimes, when my dad's really bad, he hits me. Or throws things at me. The other day, he threw a bottle of beer at me that looked just like this one. He missed me, but that just made it worse. He was shouting at me all night long. I wish that-"

John B turned around to see him mid-sentence. "Sorry, were you saying something?"

"No," JJ said firmly. "Nothing at all."


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next few weeks, JJ and John B grew really close. While the entire group made a habit of spending time at John B’s on the weekends, boating and hanging at the beach when it was nice, it was clear that John B and JJ were around each other the most.

“You orbit each other,” Kie had once said.

It wasn’t until one stormy Monday that they switched it up. JJ and John B were on the edge of their seats. They binged on their favorite show and downed handfuls of chips. A clap of thunder shook the house, and darkness fell.

“Fuck, it must be the power line.” The TV, once bursting with color, sat silently before them.  
“Guess we’re done here,” JJ sighed.

“Unless…”  
“Unless?”  
“Let’s go to your place and watch. We’ve been friends for a while now and I still don’t even know where you live.”  
JJ swallowed hard. Let one of his friends come over? That was a terrible idea. Or… or was it? He had cleaned up that morning before school, so the place wasn’t as bad as it normally was. Plus, his dad should be at work for a while.

“Sure, let’s go.”  
JJ’s house was unremarkable. There was no indicator of the dread JJ felt each time he stepped foot on the property. But here he was with John B, and somehow, he felt safer than he had in a long time.

They plopped themselves down on the worn sofa and switched on the television. JJ fumbled a bit to turn on the captions for John B and he glanced nervously at the discarded bottles on the table, but other than that he was pretty relaxed.

They didn’t seem to notice when the day turned to night. Suddenly, the sound of the door opening brought JJ back to reality. _Shit, I was supposed to get John B out of here._

His dad meandered in, eyes bloodshot. They moved slowly from JJ to the TV, then finally to John B. He held a case of beer under his arm.

“What the hell?”

“Dad! This is John B. He’s a friend. We were just watching a show, but he can leave now.”  
His dad studied him for a moment. “What’s with the words on the screen?”

“It helps him understand what’s happening.”  
“What, like he’s an idiot?” He let out a laugh, loud and intimidating.

JJ was thankful for the darkness. There was no way John B would be able to read his dad’s lips from this distance and in the dark.

“Something like that.” He wasn’t going to let him know John B was deaf. No way. He wouldn’t let his dad hurt him like he hurt JJ.

“Hey, sorry. I’ll walk you out?” He turned to John B, who nodded slowly.

The moment they started toward the door, JJ’s dad sat on the couch and pulled a beer from the box. John B looked bewildered.

Once they were outside he asked, “Is he, um… going to drink all of those at once?”

JJ shook his head, illuminated from the light streaming from his windows. “He works a pretty physical job. When he gets home he wants to chill out right away. It takes a while to stock up our fridge, kind of like Tetris, so he just waits for his show to finish before doing it. But he’s only going to have one or two.”

“Okay…And, uh, not to judge, but… I noticed his eyes are really red.”

JJ shrugged again. “Like I said, physical job. He’s in construction. He gets a lot of dust and shit in his eyes throughout the day.”

They walked in silence. JJ told John B he would walk him home because he was bored and wanted to take a walk.

The darkness enveloped them further and further with no street lamps to light their way.

“My dad’s an alcoholic. I lied. He is going to drink that entire case.” JJ said into the darkness. John B walked obliviously beside him. For a moment, JJ wondered if walks in the dark were peaceful or eerie for him. “I can’t remember the last time I saw him sober. It was probably when I was a kid. I wish I could say that he was a good dad when he wasn’t wasted, but if I’m being honest, I don’t think he would hurt me if he was a good dad whether he was sober or not. I get why Mom left him. The only thing I don’t get is why she left me.”

He sniffled a bit.

“It doesn’t matter, though. You get what you get, right? My dad is my dad. You can’t hear. Even now, when I’m telling you shit I’ve never told anyone, you can’t hear me. I bet you’d listen, though, if you knew.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Fuck,” JJ groaned. Blood was gushing from his hand. The cut was wide and deep. His dad didn’t look alarmed.   
“Don’t worry, kid, it’s sterile.” He gestured to the broken bottle he was holding. “Alcohol cleans. See, I’m not that bad of a dad.”

JJ felt dizzy. His feet were unsteady, but he managed to sprint out the door. He kept running until he found John B’s house. He rapped furiously on the door.

No one came to the door. He tried again, louder this time. “John B!” He shouted. He knocked furiously with his uninjured hand. Finally, he whipped out his phone and called him. The call was immediately declined. He was about to call again when he got a text.

John B: _hey, whats up_

JJ: _open your door. im here_

Soon, the door swung open and John B’s eyes widened at the blood leaking from JJ’s hand.

JJ’s eyes narrowed as his mouth spit the words about rapidly, “Why the FUCK didn’t you open the door? You were clearly home and I knocked like a million times. And you declined my call! Seriously, John B! I mean, is texting really that much better? I get why old people hate us now-“

John B looked alarmed. “Slow down, I can’t tell what you’re saying. What happened to your hand?”

_Oh my God, he’s deaf. How did I forget that?_ JJ would have laughed hysterically at that if his hand wasn’t throbbing. “Can you take me to the hospital? I need stitches.”

\----

“There you go,” the doctor smiled. “Five stitches. These dissolve, so you shouldn’t need to come back unless there’s a problem. Be careful next time you go biking. And make sure you wear a helmet.”

“Will do, Doc,” JJ grinned back as they left. The moment they turned the corner, John B stopped him.

“You really fell on your bike?”

“Yeah. Why?”  
“Well, you didn’t have a bike when you showed up at my house.”  
“I ditched it in the grass. Since I was, you know, bleeding.”

“Yeah, sorry. That was dumb of me.”

A woman’s voice called out behind them. “Excuse me, sir, you forgot your wallet.” JJ turned around and took it, thanked her and handed John B his wallet.

“Not as dumb as me forgetting that you’re deaf,” JJ laughed.

Later, each time John B wasn’t looking, he told him parts of the truth.

“I drank some of my dad’s beer. He was pissed. He said that if I wanted it so bad that I should come over and take some right from his hand. He broke the bottle on the table, grabbed my wrist and dug it into my hand. Honestly, it wasn't even good beer.”

Just confessing this, JJ felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders.

“Who needs a therapist when you’ve got a deaf friend?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO, my old laptop died and I had to get a new one. Unfortunately, I had multiple chapters for this story on it that were lost. LEARN FROM ME, GUYS! SAVE EVERYTHING ON GOOGLE DRIVE!

As the months went on, JJ grew more and more comfortable speaking his secrets aloud to John B. At first, he just started revealing them more frequently. 

"I know that if I told you guys the truth, you'd be furious. You wouldn't understand why I'm trying to protect someone like him. But the thing is, I do love him. I mean, he's my father. He's the only family I have. If someone were to find out that he's... well, that he's not the best dad, I would end up all alone. I can't do that."

But then it became little things, too.

"When I was 10, I peed my pants. I was way too old, but I was watching a really scary movie."

It was just a habit for JJ. He had things on his mind, so he told John B without the consequences of his friend actually hearing him. No harm in that, right? School was about to start, and JJ was whispering to John B's back as he dug around his backpack, not wanting to be heard by his other classmates. 

"I tell everyone I hate pineapple on pizza, but actually-"

"What were you saying?" John B turned around, catching JJ mid-sentence. 

He smiled. "Nothing, bro."

"No." John B's lips drew into a line. He tapped the desk impatiently. "You were saying something."  
"Nothing important."  
"You do this all the time.

"Do what?"

"Say things when you know I can't see you and refuse to tell me what they were. And I'm betting you do it significantly more times than when I've happened to catch you in the end."

"It's nothing."

John B held his gaze, then turned slowly to the board. For the rest of their classes, he refused to speak to JJ. At lunch, the two sat in silence at the table until Pope and Kie sat down. 

"Um... Is something up?" Pope asked, eyes darting between the two. 

"John B won't talk to me," JJ rolled his eyes.

"JJ always says things when I can't see. I'm sick of it. If he doesn't want me to know, then we don't have to speak at all."  
"That's a little dramatic," Pope nudged. 

"I don't give a fuck what you think," John B snapped. 

Kie was more empathetic, but still confused. "Maybe if you explain why it bothers you so much, JJ would understand."

John B shook his head, looked down at the table. His tray of food started to blend together. When he looked up, everyone was watching him. Waiting for him. JJ tapped his foot impatiently. 

_What's his issue?_ JJ groaned internally. 

"People at my old school used to do it all the time," John B started. "When my back was turned, they would make fun of how my voice sounds all the time. Then they would record it and send it around the school to laugh even more about the face that I was right there and had no idea what they were saying. I know I don't speak perfectly. I'm not stupid. But I can't hear myself, and making sounds is a lot harder than people think. I have to think of each sound methodically; where to put my tongue, how much of my voice to use, if my voice box is on or off, stuff like that. If I learned a new word from something I read, a lot of times I totally mispronounce it."

_That explains a lot,_ JJ thought. He had always wondered if John B knew that he spoke differently from other people. He felt too awkward to ever correct him on words that word blatantly wrong, but he noticed every time. 

"I don't care how you sound," JJ said quietly.   
"That's not all of it." John B shook his head. "A lot of times, they would plan ways to mess with me. It was easy to do, because they could do it right in by me and could adjust for what was happening in the moment, and I would never even know. One day, they managed to lock me in the janitor's closet without my phone. It was a Friday, and I wasn't found until Monday when a teacher went to grab some cleaner. At the principal's office, I told them that it was just a joke. I told them that the people who did it were my friends, and that I was doing some dumb dare with them that went wrong. These people already hated my guts just because I was deaf; I didn't want to give them even more reason to hate me. They called my dad down to get me. When my dad was walking down the hall to the office, he heard all of the kids laughing about what happened and planning their next stunt on the disabled kid with the dumb voice. That was the final straw for him. He home-schooled me for the rest of the year, then we moved here for a fresh start."

John B took a deep breath. "That's why I don't like it when people purposefully say things to me that I won't understand. Or when I ask someone what they said and they dismiss it. I want- need- to know what's going on around me."

"John B," Kie said softly. Her eyes shined. "I'm so, so sorry that happened to you."  
"People are so fucked up," Pope nodded. 

JJ was stunned. The story was the last thing he thought was going to come out of John B's mouth. Fuck. He never meant for John B to feel unsafe. Guilt washed over him like a wave. But the thing is, telling him his secrets behind his back made JJ feel safe. He couldn't lose that. He would just have to be more careful about getting caught. _No more little, dumb things,_ he promised. _Just the stuff that I really, really need to get out._ He swallowed the guilt. It went down, but barely. 

"John B, I won't do it again. I wasn't- I would never do anything like that to you." His voice grew stronger. That part was true. "And if anyone ever tries anything like that again, you tell me and I'll kick their ass. It's not happening again. Not on my watch." 

The lunchroom buzzed around them. The Pogues' table was silent, yet it carried more unity than it had before. 


	5. Chapter 5

JJ tried hard to imagine what school was like before John B came into his life. But here he was, lingering in the parking lot as he waited for John B to drive him home when he had always walked before. He checked his phone and scanned the parking lot. School had been let out twenty minutes ago. It was nothing remarkable. His friend often had to stay back and talk with teachers about what he hadn't picked up on during class or accommodations he needed. But the twenty minutes turned to thirty, and he hadn't even received a text from him, so JJ began to head back to the building.

As he grew closer, he noticed sounds of fists hitting flesh sounding from around the corner. He paused. Hesitated. Curiosity got the better of him, and he turned the corner. 

The first thing he saw was John B pinned against the brick wall. He hung his head, but JJ could see his bleeding lip clear as day. 

"Stop it, Rafe!" A girl's voice cried out nearby.

"Shut up, Sarah!" Another shouted. The boy laughed, face lit with something dark as he shoved John B into the wall again. The other boy stood silent, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. 

JJ sprinted forward. "HEY!" They all turned toward the sound, causing John B to do the same. He looked into his eyes and his chest tightened. He had never seen him look so resigned. He was just letting the Kooks do as they pleased. He had accepted this. JJ sure as hell hadn't. 

JJ's fist shot toward Rafe. The other boy, Topper, grabbed it before it reached him. 

"You've got nothing on us," he sneered. He punched JJ in the stomach.

As JJ fell to the ground, John B broke away from Rafe. Suddenly, John B was the one throwing the punches. He was interrupted when Rafe hit him in the head. Hard. Sarah screamed as he fell.

Rage filled JJ's body. He knew pain. He knew hits. He took them year-round at the hands of his father. But John B- He had promised to protect him. He had promised him, and promised himself. Before he knew it, he was on top of Rafe. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sarah pulling Topper away to her car. The sound of an engine speeding away. A hand yanking him back into the grass.

"JJ," John B said softly, pleadingly. Rafe took the opportunity and walked away, smiling over his shoulder as John B held JJ to the ground. 

"Can't even finish what you started?" He taunted.

\----

"Why did you stop me?" JJ spit. John B turned on the windshield wipers even though they were parked. It had begun to rain. 

"It wasn't worth it. You weren't going to stop no matter what." John B gave him a look. JJ knew he was right. He was ready to really, really hurt someone. He didn't care about the consequences. 

He paused, considering. "Well, why didn't you stop them? What if THEY didn't stop? You're strong, dude. You don't have to let people fuck with you."

"Not worth it."

JJ felt that rage again. Then somehow, he understood. Why didn't he stop his dad? JJ was strong enough, too. Physically, at least. But mentally? Emotionally? Maybe deep down, he thought he deserved it. Was that how John B felt?

He turned toward the window, looking at the houses nearby. What was going on inside of them? He would never know for sure. 

"You're worth it," he said. 

"What'd you say?" John B asked. His fingers tapped on the steering wheel. 

JJ surprised himself. Confidence battled the butterflies in his stomach. He looked John B dead in the eyes. He made sure he didn't muddle his words as he said, "You're worth it."

Hours later, the butterflies still fluttered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's OBX content without a fight? (Honestly, though. There are so many fights!)
> 
> One of my favorite things about JJ that I wanted to show in this story is how he tried to protect his friends on the show, even if it took a lot or his friends thought he had gone too far.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited about this chapter. Hope you guys like it! :)

JJ Maybank was in a fog. His father's words were deemed useless as his brain barely processed them. "Who did you tell?! TELL ME? You trying to make me look bad, boy? Do you know what you've done?!" 

He was shouting. He raised a fist, then let it fall limply to his side. Even his father was smart enough to know that now was the worst time possible to leave a mark on his son. JJ shook his head, staring at the ground in pure disbelief. The floorboards began to blur together. He heard the door slam and a truck rev, and suddenly he was alone.

_Alone,_ JJ thought. That was something he may have to get used to more often, when his only remaining family member was taken from his life. 

It was sunny outside. Not a cloud in sight, but not too hot. "A perfect day," JJ had called it earlier. How was he to know? He took a deep breath as the social worker's words buzzed around his head.

_Court... Foster care... Possibly a new school..._

"Fuck," he said aloud. This time, he couldn't hide it from the Pogues.

\---

The group swayed collectively as the boat was churned by the waters of the Outer Banks. JJ watched the water crash against the shore. Like his father, he knew it was violent as much as he couldn’t help but love him. But why?

He had been practicing for this, but it was still difficult. Over the past couple of days, he’d been rehearsing his speech to John B in the dark. The words, physically at least, should come easy. But there was a lump in his throat and he couldn’t seem to get the words out. Speaking your truth aloud was one thing; being heard was another.

“I may be moving,” he finally blurted out. Everyone froze, stunned.

“What?” They said, almost in unison.

“Why?” Pope asked. 

JJ fidgeted where he sat. Was the wind picking up?

“I might be going into foster care.” _Shit._ “The odds are pretty high.”

Again, everyone was stunned. Except for John B. Of course. He and JJ were so close. He had probably had a hunch this entire time. 

John B placed his hand on his shoulder. “You have my back. I have yours.” He nodded.

“Pogues for life,” Pope and Kie chimed in. 

Relief flooded JJ’s senses. 

Due to his request, they carried on with their day without further discussion of the matter. “Let’s pretend everything’s normal for a while,” JJ had said. 

Eventually, John B and JJ found themselves sitting side-by-side, thighs touching every so slightly. Something more than electricity ran through JJ’s veins. Something better. _Trust._

\----

John B and JJ stood alone on the beach. The last ones to leave each other at the end of the night, as always. 

“I wanted to tell you about my dad,” JJ said. John B’s eyes narrowed in concentration. JJ paused, took his hand. He smiled when John B didn’t resist. He pulled him away from the beach, down to where the streetlights shined above them. Light showered them. 

“I wanted to tell you about my dad,” JJ said. He didn’t need to hide his words anymore. Not with John B, at least. 

“Tell me now,” brown eyes urged. 

And he did. 

A wall came down as he told his friend about the first time his father hit him. “I was so young, I put my teddy bear by my bedroom door that night to protect me in case he came in.”

A wall came down as he told him how the abuse never stopped.

Another came down when he told him how afraid he was to leave him. 

“Why?” John B asked.

“He’s my dad.” JJ hesitated. “I still love him, in a way.”

“He doesn’t deserve you,” John B shook his head. Stepped closer. So close that JJ could feel his breath. “You don’t know how much you’re worth.”

It was at this moment JJ realized just how many walls he had once had. 

John B rested his forehead on JJ’s. JJ took a shaky breath and settled his hands on John B’s arms. 

Their lips touched.

For the first time, JJ felt the earth turn faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I'm not done yet ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm have snickerdoodles in the oven and I'm really excited about them lol. Anywayyyyyy, enjoy this chapter!

Two days after their first kiss, JJ and John B spent the night on the beach. Sand crept its way onto their blanket, and it was a little wet from the morning’s rain, but nothing could take away from their flickering lanterns and the stars strewn across the sky. 

"Do you remember your mom?” John B asked. 

JJ nodded. “She was around when I was really young. But yeah, I remember her. Do you remember yours?”   
John B shook his head. “TV was half of the parenting I got growing up.”   
They both laughed, but underneath it they both knew it was the truth. 

“At least your TV didn’t hit you,” JJ joked. It fell flat. Oops. 

John B pulled him closer. 

“Let’s run away together,” John B said. 

JJ rolled onto his side to face his… were they boyfriends now? He laughed, “We can’t run away.”

“Okay, but hypothetically. Where would you want to go?”   
“Florida,” JJ said.

John B wrinkled his nose. “Seriously? Why?”

JJ shrugged. “It was the first place that popped into my mind. And they have Disney World. Isn’t that supposed to be, like, the happiest place on earth? Honestly, I have no idea where I’d wanna go. How bout you?”

“New York,” John B said instantly. “At least for a little while.”

JJ raised his eyebrow. “That doesn’t seem like you AT ALL. Where did that come from?”

“They have a huge Deaf population in Rochester. Did you know I’ve never even met another deaf person?”

JJ shook his head. He grabbed his hand. “That sucks,” he said empathetically. What was it like to have never even met anyone like you? JJ was white, male and able-bodied. He was gay, sure, but there were other LGBT people at school. “You think that going to Rochester would be good for you, then.”

John B nodded. “Sort of. I wouldn’t want to live there forever. It’s not my vibe, but... Well... My dad is great, you know? He’s not around a lot, but he cares about me and he protects me. But the thing is he never learned sign language. He never taught me how to sign, either. My doctor recommended it when I was born and multiple times when I was growing up, but he didn’t think it was something we needed because I did just fine without it. But that’s the thing- It’s really, really hard. Reading lips isn’t totally accurate. I have to guess a lot of words based on the ones I did get. It takes a lot of effort. And don’t even get me started on group conversations. If I moved to somewhere with a lot of Deaf people, it would be easier to learn ASL and I could actually use it! I could have conversations like everyone else, JJ. I’ve never experienced that in my entire life. I think it would be the biggest relief.” He smiled as if he was picturing it in his mind. 

JJ tapped him, getting his attention again. “Why don’t we learn? Together?” He wanted to be that person for John B more than anything. John B was JJ’s safe place, so why shouldn’t JJ be his?

John B grinned. “You would do that for me?”

“Of course,” JJ kissed him. And kissed him again. His hands moved under John B’s shirt but he hesitated when John B felt his own chest and began pulling at the fabric it was covered by. “Someone could walk by,” he whispered. 

“I don’t care,” John B whispered back. “You’re beautiful.”   
JJ smiled. Normally he was the impulsive one. 

“I don’t know sign language yet…” JJ began slowly, “but there’s something else my hands can do.”

He put the lantern out. 


	8. Chapter 8

The next week flew by. It was a daze of kisses that left both John B and JJ’s heads spinning. 

_ I love you, _ JJ thought with every breath. On the beach, at John B’s house, on the boat, in the woods and in moldy bathroom stalls at school. It didn’t matter- wherever they were, it was magical. 

JJ smiled as his fingers intertwined themselves with John B’s as they shared each other’s warmth. The glow of the sky’s oranges and reds surrounded them. They reminded him of John B.  _ Beautiful. Strong. Familiar.  _

_ I love you, _ JJ thought for the millionth time. It was too soon to say it; both boys knew the danger of being abandoned. It would probably take a very long time before either of them were able to say it, but JJ saw it in John B’s eyes. The spark that hadn’t always been there grew brighter each time they were alone. Even around others, it snuck its way through.

_ “You’re cute,”  _ John B signed. 

_ “You’re cute,” _ JJ signed back. It was one of the only things they had learned in ASL so far. Not the most practical phrase, sure, but they have used it quite often. JJ grabbed John B’s notebook and scribbled the phrase down in big, capital letters for dramatic effect. 

“You’re wasting paper,” John B teased. 

“You guys are so cheesy,” Kie giggled.

“Oh, JJ! John B! What a couple!” Pope swooned dramatically, laughing. 

For a while, everything was perfect. 

\---

“JJ, see me at my desk, please.” Mrs. Vera lowered her reading glasses as she passed his desk. Her voice was low, but her tone was urgent. 

JJ nodded, a little confused but not too worried. 

“Everything good?” John B asked, nudging him. He fidgeted in his seat.

“All good,” JJ responded, touching his thigh lightly. Why did he look so uneasy? John B nodded and left for his next class anyway.

“What’s up, Mrs. V?” JJ asked as he approached the teacher’s desk. Mrs. Vera eyed him for a moment, eyes filled with something unfamiliar. She tapped her nails against the desk. Their chipped pink nail polish glimmered at him under the fluorescent lights. 

“I wanted you to know that I will be accommodating of your current circumstance. I understand that this is a difficult time for you. I’m here for you if you need anything.”   
“I’m sorry?” JJ asked. He hadn’t told any of the teachers about his… situation. “Did DCS call the school?”

She shook her head. “No, no. They probably should have, but if I’m being honest, they aren’t known to be very reliable around these parts.”

“Oh. Then how-”

“JJ, I really care for my students. That means I make sure things get done around here. I know that, you know that, and other students know that. My priority as a teacher is to ensure your safety, and I’m considered a mandatory reporter.”

“So you were the one who reported my dad?” JJ’s confusion grew. He covered up any marks pretty well when he went to class. Sure, he was tired sometimes, but it was a morning class and nearly every student was yawning all day long. “Why?”

“One of your classmates approached me about it after school,” she said quietly. “I don’t want you to be angry with this individual. They had your best interest at heart and-”

Only one of his friends also had Mrs. Vera as a teacher.

“John B.” JJ deadpanned. “It was him. Who else could it be? It was him, wasn’t it?”

She hesitated. “I don’t find it necessary to disclose that information.”

That was all he needed. 

He ran out of the room, ignoring Mrs. Vera’s voice calling for him. 

\----

All those fairytale days they had this past week weren’t what he had thought. In this story, John B was trying to be, what, his knight in shining armor? Fuck that. He didn’t need that.

He stormed straight out of the school and didn’t turn back. By the time John B found him, it was sunset. The reds and oranges of the sky angered him.  _ Betrayal.  _

“Have you been at this park all day?” John B asked as he grew nearer. “I’ve been texting you all day.”   
“What.” JJ jumped up off the swing he was sitting on. It swayed harshly. “The. FUCK, John B?”

John B stopped. “What do you mean?”

“MRS. VERA. You REPORTED my FATHER?” He was shouting now. “Was that what you were doing after school the other day? The day those Kooks jumped you?”

“JJ, I just thought-”   
“I don’t CARE what you thought! We all have issues, John B. You should know that more than anyone. But that doesn’t mean you need to separate me from the only family I have. That doesn’t mean that you need to send me off to God knows where with some random-ass person who, newsflash, may be even worse than my dad! None of this was yours to decide. You should have stayed out of my business.”   
“I’m not sorry.” John B stood his ground. 

Of course he wasn’t. 

JJ laughed harshly. He threw his head back, face to the sky he had once admired.

“I won’t apologize.” John B reiterated. 

“For what? For ruining my life? Because you’ve done that in more ways than one, John B. Foster care? That sucks. Seriously sucks. But you know what else you should be sorry for? You really had me feeling like a little girl dancing around her room to romantic country music for an entire week. Hell, even before that. And for what? What was it all for?”   
  


John B looked defeated.  _ Well I’m defeated, too,  _ JJ thought. 

“I wanted to protect you. You’re dad is a shitty person who did shitty things to you. I couldn’t stand to watch them happen from a distance.”

“How did you even know?”

“I… I figured something was up. A lot of what you told me didn’t fit together. One night I waited outside your house to see if anything was happening. Obviously I didn’t want anything to happen, but then…” He trailed off. They both knew what that meant. 

The sun had completely disappeared now. JJ almost laughed at how they must look arguing in the dramatic park lighting.  _ When did my life become a goddamn movie? _

“You could have at least talked to me about it first,” JJ sighed. He was getting tired. 

“Would you have told me the truth?”

Silence. 

“I guess what it comes down to is that I’M sorry,” JJ said. “I’m sorry for whatever this was. I’m sorry we were friends. I’m sorry for every kiss. I’m sorry for whatever we became.” 

John B inhaled sharply. “You don’t mean that.” He took JJ’s hand in his.   
There was that electricity. 

_ Like deadly lightning.  _

JJ looked down at their hands. Let them stay that way for a moment. Then he shook his head and pulled away. John B’s eyes shined and tugged at JJ’s heart. 

“I wish I didn’t,” JJ whispered. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one this time :)

10 Things John B Knew:

  1. JJ Maybank was no longer his boyfriend.
  2. He would always love JJ Maybank.
  3. JJ told Pope and Kie that John B was a rude and nosy asshole.
  4. JJ told Pope and Kie that he and John B would never be together again.
  5. JJ told Pope and Kie that he and John B would never be friends again. 
  6. JJ made sure John B could read his lips as he said these things. 
  7. John B was glad he couldn’t hear the anger shake JJ’s voice. 
  8. JJ didn’t look at him anymore.
  9. JJ was going to be safe from his father.
  10. John B had no regrets. 



10 Things JJ Didn’t Know:

  1. Why John B would betray him.
  2. If he was ready to be in foster care.
  3. Who his foster family was going to be.
  4. Where he was going to be living. 
  5. If he would ever see his father again.
  6. Why Pope and Kie weren’t on his side. 
  7. Why John B kept trying to talk to him. 
  8. Why he missed John B.
  9. Why he still loved John B.
  10. Why all of this had to happen to him.



1 thing Pope and Kie knew:

  1. John B and JJ didn't know how much they needed each other.




	10. Chapter 10

“Here’s your room,” Mr. Weber smiled. He opened the door to bright blue walls, a bed with way too many pillows and a candle burning on the nightstand. “I hope it’s okay,” he said. He shifted a bit uncomfortably. “My wife was normally the one who decorated, but I’m not so good at it… We can change it if you’d like, of course.”

“Of course,” JJ echoed.  _ Of course?  _ Was this man out of his mind? “No, no. It’s great. Thank you.” He threw his duffel bag onto the bed and stood there awkwardly. What now?

“Dinner will be ready at six. You just settle in and unpack.”

“Okay.” He couldn’t remember the last time he had a dinner with his father. But this wasn’t his father, not even close. Mr. Weber was a warm presence. The man was an elementary school teacher whose wife had died a few years ago. Childless and alone, Mr. Weber had decided to open his home to a foster child, a plan they had together before her death. JJ didn’t think much of him so far except for the fact that he taught in the same school district that JJ went to, so he didn’t have to move.

Kie:  _ Everything good? _

JJ:  _ He’s nice. I still can’t believe he even let me have a phone _

A lot of foster kids didn’t get to have phones. Or rooms freshly painted just for them. A lot of kids didn’t get foster fathers like Mr. Weber. He knew he was lucky. 

Then why didn’t he feel lucky?

\----

“So, tell me about yourself,” Mr. Weber said, spreading butter on his bread roll.

“What about me?”

“How about school? Are you in any extracurriculars?”

JJ shook his head. “I’m not the best at school if I’m being honest.”   
There was a playful glint in Mr. Weber’s eye. “Don’t worry, neither was I. Now I teach kids like us!” JJ laughed. “What about your friends? Boy like you, I’m sure you have plenty.”

“I have great friends. There’s Pope, Kie, and… Yeah.” John B’s face flashed in his mind. 

Mr. Weber raised his eyebrow. “And?” 

“And no one else. That’s it.” John B had betrayed him. 

“Well,” Mr. Weber said, “I’m your friend now.”

JJ started to laugh before seeing that he was serious. “Thanks, Mr. Weber.”

“Oh, come on, JJ. Call me Austin.”

“Okay, Austin,” JJ tried his name out. It felt nice. “Guess we’re friends, then.”   
“Guess so. By the way, you can have your other friends over any time. I promise I won’t get too jealous.”

“I just might take you up on that.”

And he did. 

Kie and Pope arrived bright and early the next day to have breakfast together before school.

Austin rushed into the room as soon as they walked into the kitchen. “Hey, kids! Good morning! You guys want pancakes? Waffles? Ah, hell, I’ll make both!” He shook their hands emphatically before rushing out again. 

Pope raised his eyebrow. “He’s friendly.”

“Hey, friendly beats my dad’s moodiness any day,” JJ joked. 

Kie took this as the perfect opportunity. “So.. Do you miss him? Your dad?”

“Well.. I only got here last evening, but… I do like Austin. It’s weird, though. I’ve never had someone like this in my life before. I love my dad. I feel like a broken record saying it, but I don’t think anyone believes it. But I don’t want to see him. I was always on edge when I was with him and I was always trying to hide from his next move before it came. This is… this is better. A LOT better. I think I’m going to like living here.”

“That’s great, JJ,” Kie smiled. 

“Yeah,” Pope agreed. “So… Does that mean John B did the right thing?”

JJ’s eyes flashed.  _ No, it doesn’t.  _ “It doesn’t mean that at all,” he snapped. 

“At ALL?” Pope repeated incredulously. “Listen, JJ, I get that you didn’t like the, uh, delivery of what he did. But you have to admit that all of this,” he gestured around the kitchen, “Wouldn’t have happened without what he did. You would’ve still been living with an abusive asshole.”   
“And who knows what would have happened to you?” Kie added. 

“I also kind of miss not having to separate the times we hang out with you guys like you’re our divorced parents,” Pope said.

JJ almost argued with them. He hated John B. But deep down, he knew that he actually loved him. And maybe they were a little right. Maybe he could give him a chance. It had been an entire month since their argument. He was sick of ignoring John B during class and at lunch. He missed him. They didn’t need to get everything back, but maybe they could at least be friends.  _ For the sake of the group, _ JJ thought. 

JJ walked into school with purpose. He was pretty early today, which didn’t happen often. But Austin insisted on driving them to school and he had to get to work early. JJ leaned against his locker. What was he supposed to say to John B? Sure, he was mad at the time, but he was pretty harsh thinking back at it. He opened the notes app on his phone and wrote draft after draft of what to say before deleting all of them and deciding that this wasn’t an issue they absolutely needed to discuss. He headed to class and tapped John B on the shoulder. 

“Hey,” JJ said cautiously. John B nodded his head but didn’t respond. He ducked his head and started doodling in his notebook. JJ gently took the notebook from him.

_ Can we be cool again? _ He wrote. He slide it back to John B’s desk. The other boy read it, but didn’t write a message in return until the very end of class. 

_ What would that mean?  _ He finally wrote. 

“Friends,” JJ said aloud.

“Friends,” John B repeated, nodding slowly. “Okay. I can do that.” JJ tried to ignore the lack of conviction in his voice 


	11. Chapter 11

"JJ," Austin's voice invaded his dreams. JJ rubbed his eyes and looked drearily back at his foster father. The clock on the wall read 4:00 am.

"Dude, too early," JJ groaned. He closed his eyes again. Austin shook him harder. 

"It's your friend, John."

"John B," JJ corrected. Then he darted straight up. "Wait, what about him?"

"He was an accident. His father is out of town so I'm going to the hospital for him. I assumed you and your friends would want to come with me."

JJ scanned his face for any clues as to what happened. His eyebrows were drawn and his lips were pursed. That wasn't good.

"What happened?" 

Austin laid his hand gently on his shoulder. Empathy radiated from him. "He's just fine. I'll let him explain what happened to you guys."

\----

"Visitors for John Booker Routledge?" A nurse yawned. They all stood simultaneously.

"Yeah," JJ responded. "What's the damage?"

The nurse cleared her throat. "He's got a concussion, broken ribs and a broken arm. He's right this way, follow me." 

The Pogues followed her confident stride with timid steps until they cam upon John B, fast a sleep in a bright room. No flowers or balloons adorned his bedside table and his father's absence was palpable. 

"He's sleeping," Kie said.

"No shit," Pope responded. JJ tapped on his shoulder repeatedly. "JJ, you should let him-"

John B. groaned and slowly opened his eyes. "JJ?"

"What the hell happened, John B?"

John B laughed a little. "I got hit by a car."  
The Pogues looked at him in disbelief. "You think that's funny?" Kie asked. 

"Yeah, I do." Kie rolled her eyes.

"Dude, seriously." JJ prompted.

"Fine," John B sighed. "Topper and Rafe happened. They've been fucking with me for a while." His eyes flicked to the ceiling, to Kie, to Pope, Anywhere but to JJ. 

"You told me they never messed with you again," JJ clenched his jaw.

John B continued anyway. "They saw me walking home last night. It was dark and I didn't hear them. They said they were leaning on the car horn, that they thought I would get out of the way. They were just trying to scare me."

JJ's blood was boiling. This situation was too reminiscent of the time John B had told them about in high school; when John B had dismissed everything as an accident. "They could have killed you," JJ raised his voice. John B fidgeted with the hospital sheets. 

"Why didn't you move?" Kie asked cautiously. "I thought you said you could hear loud noises."

JJ froze. "Wait... You're not... You didn't want to..."

"No," John B interrupted quickly, eyes widening. "It wasn't anything like that. They pushed me into the water last week. My hearing aids broke and I don't have backups. My dad's been gone for while so I couldn't get replacements. They didn't know."

"It doesn't matter if they didn't know," JJ said. "If you... I don't think you realize..." They held their gaze. Something flickered between them. Kie and Pope seemed to sense this and excused themselves to find the cafeteria. 

"I'm sorry," John B said, "But to be fair, it's not like I knew they would hit me with a car. And Sarah was really freaked out about it. She called the cops on her own brother."  
"No, John B, but you knew that you couldn't hear anything and were walking home alone in the dark. You knew that these guys have been harassing you and just decided to accept it. Why? Why didn't you tell me? About any of it?"

"We had just fought. I didn't want to mess everything up again."

"Mess everything- what? Are you crazy? You wouldn't have- I could have helped you!"  
"Yeah, like I helped you?" John B snapped. "We saw how that went."

"The difference is that I didn't need your help," JJ snapped.

"And I didn't need yours," John B snapped back. 

"You could have died."  
"You could have, too."

Silence rang in JJ's ears. 

"Why can't you just admit you need help sometimes?" JJ shook his head. 

"Because no one else needs this-" John B snatched his notebook from the bedside table and threw it down to the floor. Pages spilled everywhere. "-except for me! No one else has to fucking do this. I've been dealing with being deaf for my whole life. I don't need anyone's help. I've got this. I'm not..." tears pooled up in his eyes. "I don't want everyone to think I'm broken. I know I am, I just... I'm not weak."

"You're not broken," JJ stepped closer. "And you definitely aren't weak. We all need to lean on our friends sometimes. On the people that we... That we love." 

John B looked down at his arm cast. His gaze lingered on it before going back to JJ. "You know... That applies to you, too. You should have leaned on us when you're dad was being an asshole. I reported your dad because I was afraid. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you." The last part was barely audible. 

"Wanted?" JJ sat down on the bed. His sudden weight pulled John B closer. 

"Want to, you know that. But..."  
"But I was being... Unfair." He took a deep breath. "I think we both need to be more open with each other. We don't have to do everything on our own. If we can do that..."  
"You would spend the rest of your life with me?" John B grinned. 

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." 

Their lips collided. And right there, in a Kildaire hospital, their story continued. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there was such a gap between this chapter and the last! School started again and I've been super busy. Hope you guys like it, though!


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you to everyone who has read this story! It's coming to an end but I loved writing it and I can't wait to start my next story.

The sun is nestled just at the horizon of East Carolina University. JJ takes a long look at it before smiling softly. He enters the dorm building and knocks on room 319. 

"Hey! Where have been?" Pope answers the door. John B and Kie are already sitting on the floor engaged in a heated debate. John B's hands pick up the pace and start going a mile a minute. 

"Not fair, John B! Slow down!" Kie groans. "I'm only in ASL 1!" She falls onto her back in defeat and John B laughs. 

The Pogues had all decided to take ASL together. Even John B, who just needed an easy A. It wasn't a difficult decision for them to make. John B is family. It's important to make sure they can communicate. JJ will never forget the tears that pooled in his eyes when they told him they planned to become fluent in ASL together. 

"JJ!" John B finally notices him and JJ pulls him to his feet. "How's my favorite social worker?" 

"I'm not a social worker yet," JJ laughs. His experience with Austin made him realize that social work isn't evil. He knows there are still flaws in the field. Kids get abused and neglected in the system. Kids feel unwanted in the system. He wants to make it his job to fix those flaws and make sure kids are safe. 

"By the way, Austin wants to know if you guys want to have Thanksgiving dinner at our place sometime over break," JJ adds. Austin was also family now. 

"Oh my God, will there be mashed potatoes and gravy?" Sarah comes into the room, kicking off her shoes. She didn't go to the prestigious college her father wanted her to, broke up with Topper and is trying to set her brother straight. After John B was hospitalized due to their actions, she had to really take a step back and reevaluate her life. She liked to tell them that she was living life outside of the bubble. They hadn't expected to become friends with a Kook, but now they can't imagine their little family without her. 

"Of course," JJ grins. "John B, come with me for a sec?" John B nods and follows him outside. The sky swirls with hues of red and orange. 

"Can you believe it?" 

"Believe what?" John B asks.

"This," JJ gestures back to the dorm. "Our family."

"Yeah," John B says slowly. "But can you believe this?"

And kisses him. 


End file.
